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After a few days away and a stint of profound introspection (“Dear God, what should I write!?”) I’ve decided to let you in on life in our new apartment starting with roommate profiles.  Enjoy:

 

Polina alias Paola Knickerbocker

Polina is a recent Vassar grad with an oral fixation so severe that New York’s trash could be compacted and compressed by her jaws to only 14% of its current volume ending both global warming and New York’s real estate crisis.  Indeed, Polina’s fixation is so severe, anything that she can get her hands on and mouth around inevitably disappears.  I, myself, have had to get twelve new keys made in the past two weeks due to repeated “disappearances.”  Ironically, she does not eat meat.

Brian alias Byron Sandwich

Brian is an NYU grad who recently brought about the end of capitalism by sticking it to the man.  What ‘it’ is and which man it was stuck to is still unclear.  Suffice to say, most of you will soon be reaping the benefits of a socialized health care system and you will be receiving your complimentary copy of the lesser known Engels solo publication, “So your country has realigned its political structure thanks to another liberal idealist and all you got was this lousy pamphlet: Now what!?” in the mail shortly.  When he’s not in the throes of defeating fascist regimes, Brian can be found reading “The Mists of Avalon,” “Chicken Soup for the Recent Graduate’s Soul,” and eating gefilte fish.

Lindsey alias Leisel Johnson

Lindsey is Brian’s girlfriend.  I define her only as such because Lindsey believes a woman is not wholly defined without a man.  A Home Economics major at NYU Lindsey once claimed, “I don’t think women should be allowed to go to college, but it’s the only place one can find a suitable husband.”  When she’s not fighting against women’s rights Lindsey can be found cooking and cleaning the apartment with the zeal only a woman can muster.  Though a general treat to live with due to her unyielding submission, Lindsey has also become what an addiction anonymous meeting would title an “inhibitor.”  The following is an example of such behavior:

Drew:  I really want to go to the gym.

Lindsey:  I could go for something sweet.  Hey Drew, instead of going to the gym let’s go to the bakery and get chocolate.

Drew: No.

Lindsey:  It’s too hot to go to the gym, we need to get chocolate.  It’s really healthy for you.

Drew: Sigh.  Okay!

The Others:

Ryan

Ryan, known to the natives as Wakanantento (meaning “Man with many abdominals who ride skate board”) is Polina’s boyfriend and our fifth roommate 2-3 nights of the week.  Ryan work’s for the Civilian Complaint Review Board where he takes complaints from civilians against officers of the law.  If you think a call from Zsa Zsa Gabor isn’t enough (“But I only slapped him because he said my outfit made me look fat, dahling.  He is ze one who deserves the community service!”) try dealing with this six times a day: “But she really did look like a hooker!  That’s entrapment, isn’t it?!”

The Apartment Ghost

Though she may not actually be dead, an ectoplasmic spirit of the short-lived roomate remains among us.  Mallory, the unfriendly ghost and roommate briefly (caused by an unfortunate sub-letting situation) still haunts us to this day.  Aside from blowing out the stove pilot light and habitually ruining our water pressure, we awoke one night to terrifying scratching sounds coming from the living room.  Upon inspection, there in the witching hour of the night, we found these words scrawled upon the walls, written in blood:

“Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”

And those are my roommates.  Now enjoy these pictures of our apartment along with others from around town!

 

Putting together a bed... or a home?

 

 

A Ukrainian Diner

 

 

Diner again.

 

Don’t worry.  There’s plenty more where that came from.  Check back regularly… and leave comments!

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